True inspiration...

Warning: This may be a long, non-fashion post! :)

Do you ever feel you need to get off your buttowsky and attend some lectures and classes to increase your imaan (faith, belief), spirituality?

I often feel this way, and just as often I don't end up going. Something always comes up! Whereas years ago, I wouldn't miss anything! I would attend Islamic lectures and classes every week, and almost as frequently as 4 nights a week. Those seriously were the golden days for me.

Anyways... the past 8-9 years of my life, I have been very distant from all this. Mostly due to the fact that I was in Turkey and I did not really know anyone to guide me to any classes of the sort. There are so many more opportunities in a country like Turkey, but you need to know!

So... the last three years I have been back in Australia, but I did not attend a single class.. until last Thursday... I have always yearned... always missed... always felt the lack of these spiritual boosters deep in my heart... but it just didn't happen...

I also believe that when a person is doing things the wrong way, or doing things that are not fitting for a muslim(ah), Allah stops them from being able to reach some of the rewards, blessings... These classes, especially in Western countries such as Australia are huge blessings, and we MUST utilise them as much as possible.

In the past few months I have been trying to change some things about my self... my inner self... been doing a lot of thinking... been refraining from people and talking about other people... because in all honesty, I cannot care less about who did/said what. However, I do hear and notice that there are people out there... they have been spreading things that I haven't... this is worse than gossip! This is slander!

Coming to realise that such things happen even though I do not see or speak to anyone socially, let alone gossip makes me wonder... shake my head... and continue on my path... whereas, I am really very hot headed... had I continued to see and speak to a lot of people, such talk would have reached me a lot sooner and with my hot headed temper, I would say things back just so the other person would feel hurt. I would do it intentionally for that person to hear it. Although, I have come to realise that this is even worse... those people who 'carry' words from one person to the other add some of their own 'crafty' evils to make it sound even more 'interesting' which actually becomes a lie... OMG no need to continue.. you all, I am sure know what I mean...

A few months ago, I made the decision to separate from my husband as you regulars know... right now, I cannot say that it will end in divorce... there is slight hope to make it better... may Allah grant us with what is best on both our behalf... With this decision I decided to take a step back from my business... I decided to clear everything and leave... I really just want to get away... I mean I understand competition between similar businesses, but I just don't understand what problem these  (some) 'customers' have that they constantly try to ignite a fire between owners of such businesses.

Yeah I know, off topic again... but not much... I just felt that this business is harming me spiritually... really harming me! So I have decided to take a different approach.. step back, and breathe...

When, on Thursday evening I opened my FB account and saw the feed regarding that night's class, I thought I had to go... I may not be able to go again next week or regularly, but it was definitely the right thing to do. It put many things into perspective for me...

The class topic was more technical compared to spiritual BUT being in such an environment... the intention to better oneself... these are very critical...

On my way home that night, and in bed all I did was think... contemplate... All my wrongdoings... the things that I can better but I don't for the sake of my nafs (inner, true self)... the things I turn a blind eye to even though I shouldn't... my actions... my thoughts... my life... things I have said... kept me awake till dawn...

Once again I understood the dire need for a muslim(ah) to attend classes, to attend such gatherings, to hold onto friends that remind them of Allah... All this feeds the soul, strengthens our imaan (faith, belief). I had been starving my soul for almost a decade. One class, and it jump started my heart... alhamdulillah... However, I know that if I do not keep up with this soul feeding, it will deteriorate to its previous state. Been there, done that...

May Allah bless the sisters who hold these classes and open their doors/heart to anyone and everyone with all their sincerity... I also tha Allah... alhamdulillah for blessing me with this attendance... I guess living somewhat like a hermit in the last few months has had its benefits...

I am aware my thoughts are all over the place in this post, but that is how I feel, so it's normal :)))

Oh, I should also add that I have been seeing a psychologist of late. As I mentioned, I have serious anger issues. So I am seeing her for anger management, anxiety and depression. It's not as terrible as it sounds. Seriously! Alhamdulillah I am fine, but my family felt I needed to speak to someone.

If you ask me if it's helping me? In all honesty... Nope! It's rubbish... I am sort of asked to be apathetic. I cannot do that! I have to consider the consequences of my actions. Yes, it may not be the end of the world if I break someone's heart... but you know what? It's actually worse!!! So I am thinking of stopping, because any islamic class, any gathering with such people, and any reading of books that will feed my soul make me feel better than does my psychologist.

If anybody is considering to see one... you need to make sure they are going to understand your identity as a muslim. If they don't, and if you can be easily influenced, it can be chaos.

Yeah, so this is also an open letter to people I know, people in my life... I want you to know that I have had no ill feelings towards anyone (but my husband LOL) in the last 5-6 months, and have not said/done anything intentionally to hurt...

My God.. this post can go ooooon and oooon and oooon, so I'm just going to stop. :))) Life is tough for all, and it's expected to be... I wouldn't want this post to come accross as me feeling sorry for myself, cos I'm not! I am happy alhamdulillah amongst all the problems in this world and my life, I have a positive outlook on life and I believe things are going to get better with the will of Allah. My experiences and problems are nothing compared to many out there. I just wanted to share my internals LOL i.e. wanted to spill my organs out, do some cleansing. :)

xoxo